Repent. Your Drivenness is at Hand.
September 27, 2009
If honesty is the best policy, then this is my best.
Below is a recent letter I wrote to my wife. I wouldn’t share it with you unless I thought it would be helpful on some level. We’re all so painfully human; you can probably relate:
Janine,
“I wanted to apologize for who I’ve been lately. I felt convicted this morning (while grinding my teeth on the bench press) that I haven’t been taking care of myself spiritually as well as I take care of myself physically. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I haven’t allowed myself to be taken care of. I’ve been living under warfare without help, without asking for help, believing the lie that it’s all up to me. I’ve been laboring under a bleak and heavy sky that does not contain God, or mercy. And when I suffer, you suffer. I’m so sorry. I repent of my drivenness, my hardness. God is in this difficult season, as He always is. It is not all up to me. Forgive me for pretending I’m alone in the universe and for being an angry, tired, driven man.”
-Marc
In his sermon, Eternal Life Starts Now, Leslie described himself as “recovering from self-sufficiency”. I know what he means, exactly what he means. And the 12-step language is entirely appropriate. The Christian life is a lot like AA. It’s easier to live a life of freedom when you know exactly what your addiction is, and when you know you are always just one indulgence away from relapse. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once a tough-guy-o-holic, always a tough-guy-o-holic.
In America, we like the phrase, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”, or at least I do. It justifies my addiction to self-reliance. And it conveniently omits any reference to social consequences: drivenness, competition, isolation, hardness, and fatigue. We call this individualism. In patriotic tones we rhapsodize “the rugged individual” and “the American spirit”. But if John the Baptist were to come again today, hollering his words across the asphalt of our success, “repent, for the Kingdom of God is at hand”, what, dear reader, would repentance look like?
If you enjoyed this post, be sure to read the rest from this author. Marc is a local writer, musician, and physician. He is a regular contributor to ConneXions and has written reviews for Spectrum: Adventist Forum. He loves words and music, windsurfing, and going on adventures with Janine and the kids.(Read more from this author) 
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You have so well described the dark valley I enter as my ultimate solution to life. Again and again I dash myself against the rocks trying to fight my way through. How slow I am to stop thrashing, turn to the Shepherd, and wait for deliverance. I resist repentance because I take a dim view of the helplessness of sheep. Yet I am being called to trust enough to follow. I too am a desparate and driven man…this is for me the picture and struggle of repentance. Thanks Marc for calling me out.